LORD of the SPOOFS
by Sancho Panza
Summary: Welcome to the mixed-up world of Muddled-earth where there's sex, drugs and a wicked soundtrack by Enya. This is Tolkien's newly-discovered chronicle. FOR ADULT EYES ONLY.
1. PROLOGUE: Concerning Nibblets

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LORD of the Spoofs

Summary: Welcome to the mixed-up world of Muddled-earth where there's sex, drugs and a wicked soundtrack by Enya. This is Tolkien's newly-discovered chronicle. FOR ADULT EYES ONLY.

The humour in this spoof will be more obvious to fans of the books.

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BOOK ONE

The Orgy Of The Ring

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1

PROLOGUE:

Concerning Nibblets

Nibblets are small shy little farmers, and their entire existence can be summed up in just 5 words; 

Lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, and again **lazy**. 

It's not so much that they keep to themselves, as they just can't be arsed to **go** anywhere. They're quite simply the tiniest and most bone-idle race of folk that has ever walked the land of Muddled-earth. Such is their backward thinkingness, that they haven't even invented the **horse** yet! One of the Fuckland Nibblets named Trojan is **still** trying to build one out of wood! No one has the heart to tell them that horses have to be **bred**. Besides, Nibblets are so self-absorbed and obstinate that not even a brave warrior would dare to ever attempt to tell them they were wrong.

Anywho, enough said about Nibblets. All you need know is that they're a bunch of free-living, chilled out hippie-folk who spend their days shagging, smoking pot (known in **The Slum** as Dick-Weed), and ploughing their Marijuana fields like a good Devonshire farmer. _Ooh, Arr; I be drivin' me traaacter_.

Oh, and they're quite hairy. Often in places hair didn't ought to grow.

So… 

On With The Show…


	2. A Large Expensive Shindig

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LORD of the Spoofs

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2

A Large Expensive Shindig

When Dildo Nobbins of Nob End announced he'd be celebrating his one-twelvety-eleventh birthday with a shindig of monster proportion, he wasn't fuckin' joking!

There was a great deal of excitement about it throughout Nibbleton. All who were invited were told there would be food enough to fill the stomachs of a thousand grown men-folk (should last about 5 minutes then with a hundred greedy Nibblets) So they only had 3 of their 4 breakfasts, 2 of their 6 brunches, 10 of their 15 dinners, and 22 of their 98 late-dinners/early-suppers. So there was loads of room left for the buffet.

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Out in a field, a young Nibblet who was cousin-cum-nephew to Dildo Nobbins heard an approaching pony and trap.

He ran to a bend and saw a horse (_what a great invention_, he thought) turn into Nobbleton with a cart in tow. On it sat a Man-sized fellow with a pointy hat and wearing a colourful, vibrant and altogether camp cloak. It was an old man. Yet not a man.

It was the much-loved Dick-Weed smoking Man-Witch who was friend to Nibblets! 

"It's great to see you again, Gangrene!" the young Nibblet called in greeting as he jumped up onto the high cart.

"And you, Fellatio my boy!" The old Man-Witch replied, "Oops, it seems my hand just accidentally brushed you in a rude place. Ooh, there it goes again. I really should learn how to stop myself."

"Yes, you should." Said young Fellatio Nobbins.

"They don't call me Gangrene the Gay for nothing you know." Gangrene responded, "How's Dildo?"

"Fantastic. Though; I'm finding if I use it too often it gets quite difficult to sit on anything stiffer than a pillow."

"I meant your **uncle** Dildo."

"Oh. He's been a little queer lately."

"Yes, I've noticed." Gangrene replied with a glint in his eye, "I hear he's having a shindig of monster proportion."

"That's right. I can't wait. Though I can't shake the feelin that somethin ain't right."

"Not to worry, my dear Fellatio. I've got something to bring a smile to the face of every Nibblet in The Slum. Even you."

"Dodgy illegal Fireworks!" cried Fellatio in excitement.

It was then that a group of young children ran out into the road behind his cart with shouts of "FIREWORKS!" "SHOW US!"

So Gangrene used a touch of magic to set off a small display of colourful rockets.

The children applauded and Gangrene rode away with Fellatio - both smiling happily.

But one of the rockets misfired, came around and speared a kid in the eye. The boy whimpered before his head went off like an exploding pumpkin.

---

Night fell and the party got under way.

Dildo welcomed every guest as they arrived.

"Fatty Binger!" he said as he shook a hand, looking at the fella's gut, "How many dinners did you eat already?"

"Only 15." He replied, "But I had 50 halfs of ale 'afore breakfast!"

Soon Dildo was telling the children one of his famous tall tales:

"Myself and 2 of the fattest Midgets you'll ever see were caught … by **3 dirty Trolls**!"

The children gasped, "What did you do Mr Dildo, Sir?", "Yes, did you and the Midgets escape?" 

"Well… not entirely." He answered, "I thought quickly, and told the Trolls that Midgets were considered to be the most potent aphrodisiac in all Muddled-earth. Well, knowing what a reputation Trolls have for their sex-drives, you can imagine how they took that."

"You got away?" they asked.

"Oh, yes." Dildo replied.

"And the Midgets?" asked a cute little girl.

"**Eaten**!" Dildo snapped.

The kiddies gasped again. One said; "I want to be just like Dildo when I get older and slightly bigger."

"Dear child, You'll never see as much pussy as me." He said.

There was a giganticus explosion and a massive firework dragon erupted from a nearby tent, came souring down the field and exploded - setting a tent and Diddly Arseburgler's Nibblet-hole on fire as it went.

All cheered but Diddly who wept like a girl.

Over the field, Gangrene the Gay caught the two firework culprits by the ears.

He looked down on them with displeasure, "Jolliadoc Randyfuck … and Penicillin Turd. I should have known."

As punishment, he had them give him a sponge bath and a full body massage. Make of that what you will.

"**Speech, speech**!" all cried out as Dildo Nobbins approached the podium.

"My dear Nobbinses and Bummers, and my dear Turds and Randyfucks, and Scrubs and Scruffs, and Mufflickers, and Cocksuckers, and Bingers, Potnoodles, Couchpotatoes, Marshmallows, and Proudtesticles."

"Proud**Nuts**!" yelled an old Nibblet from the back of the burning tent to much laughter.

"Also my good Shagpile-Nobbinses that I welcome back to Nob End. Not to mention all you Dipsticks, Pimpdaddies, Shithouses, Beerguzzlers, Tracegibblets, Usedneedles, Fuckbuckets and Tightbritches."

Each name-call brought with it its own round of cheers and whoops.

"Well," Dildo went on, "I don't know half of you a third as much as three-quarters of you think I do, … and I've done three-eighths of the women here that a fifth of you have already slept with."

In response, a pair of Nibblet-sized knickers came hurling from his audience and landed square on his head.

Dildo lifted them off and gave them a sniff, "Miss Rosie Muffbasket, you haven't bathed today have you?"

She giggled.

Then the knickers were followed by a large pair of stained underpants.

Dildo removed them and groaned loudly, "Fatty Binger! That was uncalled for. I notice you're out of toilet paper again."

Then he finished simply with this; "Anyway. Thanks all for being here to celebrate my one hundred and twelvety-eleventh birthday but I'm off now. Toodle-pip."

With that he literally vanished.

Two seconds later he reappeared dressed like a Disco star. He did a quick number - which everyone strangely found to be the greatest thing they'd ever seen - then he vanished again. 

The intention had been to stay vanished, but Dildo reappeared as he snook down from the podium.

Realising his cock-up, he cussed and fiddled with something in his pocket. Then he was **gone**. 

For good.

---

Dildo crept back unseen to Nob End as all the crowds of Nibblets chanted in amazement for an encore. 

He was gathering his luggage when Gangrene appeared behind him.

"What the hell was **that**?" he asked.

"Oh… just my own touch of magic." Dildo replied, tossing his ring, "My ring. Isn't it cool?"

"I think, perhaps, the Ring should be left with Fellatio." Gangrene advised.

"Then you know I mean to leave tonight?"

"Of course I know! I am a Man-Witch! … And you talk in your sleep."

"I'll not leave my ring with no one but myself. It's **my** ring! **MY Ringy-Poos**!"

"It's been called that before. But not by you. Now put it aside for Fellatio to keep safe for you."

"Oh, shove me up your arse and plug me in! You want the ring for yourself!" cried Dildo.

Gangrene went sceptic on his ass; "**Leave the fucking ring you little prick before I slap you good and proper**." 

Poor droopy Dildo cowered in fear.

"I'm not trying to rob you," said Gangrene, "I'm just trying to take your property from you against your wishes."

"Oh, Gangrene old friend, you're right. Ever since I got this bloody Ring I've been listening to Disco tunes and dancing round Nob End like Dirk Diggler. I will leave the Ring behind."

Dildo pulled his travel pack onto his small shoulders and made for the door.

"Dildo." Gangrene said after him, "You still have the Ring on you."

"No I don't. Go ahead … frisk me."

So, Gangrene the Gay felt Dildo up and down, and found nothing. It wasn't even in his undies.

"I can go then?" Nobbins asked.

He gave it some thought, then pointed an accusing finger at the Nibblet; "Don't make me come in and get it." Warned the Man-Witch.

Dildo rolled his eyes, dropped his pants and, with a short push, crapped it out of his ass - onto the floor.

Then he left with some difficulty. Turning back he added, "I have a title for my autobiography. 'There, back, and back there again'."

"An autobiography?" asked Gangrene, "Shouldn't you wait till you're a bit older for that?"

Dildo huffed, "Even Will Young and Gareth Gates have autobiography's out and they've been around less than a year. And the're not even 30!"

With that, Dildo tore himself away from Nob End and Nibbleton, and The Slum - never to return.

As he went he sang a famous old Nibblet song:

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'The Road Goes On…And On, And On,

Till Soon My Feet are Bruised And Numb.

If I Stay On This Path It'll Take Forever,

So I'll Go Off-Road Cos I'm Jolly Clever.

Into Thorny Brambles I - OUCH, My Ass.

And Over The Cold And Wet Field Grass.

It would be nice if I could afford some shoes,

But at least I've got my bag of Booze!' 


	3. The Shadow Of The Boogie

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LORD of the Spoofs

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3

The Shadow Of The Boogie

Fellatio Nobbins entered Nob End and found a ring on the floor.

He picked it up and toyed with it as he noticed Gangrene the Gay sat like a giant advert for 'Technicolor' in the small den.

"Where's Dildo?! I've just been told he's gone and left! Gone and left me with a whopping **bill** for that monstrously proportioned shindig he's just had!" 

Fellatio went over to where Gangrene was; "Do you realise what **this** means?" he waved the bill at Gangrene, "I'll have to sell Nob End! Then where shall I live?!"

The little Nibblet gave it some thought, "Unless this **ring** is worth a hell of a lot more than it looks."

"The **Ring**?" Gangrene said, coming out of his thoughts. "Is there writing on its surface?"

"Why, come to mention it, yes. But it's in Swahili or something."

Gangrene sighed, "It is in the tongue of **Morbid**, but I dare not speak it here." He shivered.

"Because it's a dangerous language?" asked Fellatio.

"No. Because it uses a lot of 'S's and I have trouble pronouncing them." 

Which was true. He had the habit of saying 'super' and 'fabulous' and they ended up more like 'thooper' and 'fab-you-leth'.

Gangrene turned to the young Nibblet ominously; "In plain English it says:

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'One Ring To Make You Cool.

One Ring To Party.

One Ring That's Got Crap Powers,

But Looks Quite Nice And Sparkly.'

…This is the One Ring of Disco. You've seen Saturday Night Fever, right? Well, how do you think Travolta managed to dance like that?"

"The Ring!" Fellatio gasped.

"This Ring makes the bearer super-cool, super-popular and therefore able to rule over the dance halls and discos all across the land. It was forged on the teat of Mount Boob by the Dance Lord **Savlon**. He was defeated long ago"

"He was bad?" asked Fellatio.

"Badder than Michael Jackson. The Guy had to be stopped. But his spirit is still tied to the Ring, and the great Jap's-Eye of Savlon is ever watchful.

"What'll I do?"

Gangrene scratched at his beard in thought, and found half a sour cress sandwich in it. "Ooh, Thooper!" he said as he munched down on it.

Fellatio tried to wait patiently but couldn't; "Gangrene, **what** must I do?" 

"Oh, yes. Seeing as you're now homeless, you have to make the **long** and **dangerous** journey to the Village of Cheese. There you will wait for me in the Prancing Pink Flamingo brothel. I will meet you once I have seen the head of my order - Saladman the Shite - he is brainy and old, so he should have some idea what has to be done about it. One thing is for sure; Muddled-earth can't cope with a revival of those ancient 70's Disco moves. They died with Travolta's 36-inch waist."

Just then there was a sound outside the window.

Gangrene reached out and dragged a Nibblet from out the bushes; "Spamwise Ganja! You nosy little tart! You were ear-wigging!"

"I's not been wiggin no ears, mister Gangrene Sir! Please don't make me massage you anywhere unnatural. Like you did with Jolly and Prickin."

"I have a better plan for you, Spamwise." Said the Man-Witch.

"Shall I have to be bending over for this, Sir?" grumbled Spamwise.

"No you fool, you will accompany Fellatio and see he doesn't perform any tasteless retro dance routines."

"Right-o."

"Oh, and one more thing, Fellatio, … for God's sake **no** jive-talkin!"

With that, he departed and left the Nibblets to pack their handbags and prepare to depart.

2 B CONTINUED…


	4. Three Is A Menage A Trois

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LORD of the Spoofs

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4

Three Is A Ménage À Trois

(And 5 Is Almost An Orgy)

The 2 Nibblet pals - Fellatio and Spam - set out on their adventure…

They left the house, walked over the road, through a field, took a small boat across a pond, and arrived at the village of Cheese.

"Aah," sighed Spam, "finally we is here at last, if you're catching my drift."

Oh, but I forgot to mention that in that short 5 minute epic journey, they were joined by Jolly Randyfuck and Prickin Turd, they were helped across the road by the ever-popular Tim Bumdabil, and were chased by Black Riders - each sporting ridiculously over-the-top Afro hair and enormous flares.

Luckily our heroes made it to the Fuckagoat Boat in time to cross to Cheese.

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The four companions sought the brothel of the Prancing Pink Flamingo and there awaited the arrival of Gangrene the Gay.

But they had a long wait and ended up getting rather pissed-up on cheap cider.

Spam called a waiter over; "We was wondering if we could get a little pussy, If you see my meaning?"

"You can get as much as you want - we've got **loads** of pussy." The big man said.

Spam shook his head, "No, I mean a **little** pussy. Cos we only has little willies."

--

Soon Jolly and Pric were up on the table jigging and singing their own little song:

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There Once Was A Brothel In Cheese

Where Nibblets Could Shag All They Please

Though The Beer Was Like Piss

And The Girls Were No Dish

At Least There Was Non-Stop Striptease.

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We're Jolly And Pric

And We Like A Good Lick

Of A Pussy That's Furry And Tight.

We'll Take Our Cocks Out

And We'll Shake Them About

Cos The Girls Know That We Go All Night.

Fellatio, embarrassed by it all, tried to get them to come down.

"Get **off** you miserable git." Pric spat and kicked out at Fellatio, "Have another ale, Nobbins! Let's all get blinded!"

The hard kick knocked Fellatio to the floor and the One Ring of Disco **flew** up into the air in slow motion and went down on Fellatio's finger.

He **disappeared**!

Everyone stopped.

When he re-materialised, an instant later, he looked just like a white Lionel Richie from his Commodore days. Then he started dancing and singing in a high-pitched girlie voice as though his balls were in a vice:

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Well, You Can Tell By The Way I Smoke Dick-Weed,

I'm A Nibblet-Man; We're Big On Greed.

We Eat All Day And Shag Our Girls

And That's What Makes All Our Hair Curl.

But It's Alright.

It's Not Bland.

You Know We Like To Plough Our Land.

We Can Try 

To Undermine

All Mod-Cons That Men Design.

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Whether You're A Nibblet,

Or Whether You're a Midget,

You've Got Night Fe-ver.

Got Night Fe-ver.

Feel The Dance Lord Comin,

And Everybody's Jumpin,

We've Got Night Fe-ver.

Got Night Fe-ver.

Ah, ah, ah, ah

It's Night Fe-ver.

It's Night Fe-ver.

Ah, ah, ah, ah

It's Night Fe-veeeeeeeee-eeeeeeee-e-e-eeeeeee-eeeeeeer

Just Night Fever.

Spamwise panicked and grabbed Fellacio; "Mr. Gangrene said no jive-talkin, Sir. And I mean to heed his words so please stop that nonsense. Though it **was** rather good. How **did** you do all that twirlin, Master Fellatio Sir?"

"By God, you're right Spam!" cried Fellatio; "I must take off the Ring!"

But when he did, he was absconded by a big man who dragged him up to the room he'd paid for.

"He ain't no whore!" shouted Spam as he caught up with them in the room.

"I'm not here for anal." Said the stranger, "I'm just here for Fellatio."

Spam stood as tall as he could; "I'll not let you 'ev him, if you're on my wavelength. I'll beat you like a red-headed step-child first, Mister!"

The Man drew his blow-up baseball bat; "Don't be such a Spam**wise-ass**."

"You **know** us?" gasped Fellatio as Jolly and Pric arrived.

"Of course I know you. I'm **Stripper**." And, with that, the Man did a quick strip routine. "I'm a friend of Gangrene's."

"You're one of those **Wankers** that ride about Muddled-earth watchin out for trouble!" realised Jolly.

"Yes, I'm a Wanker. But just call me Stripper for now. I will escort you to **Ratherdull** before the Funky Riders catch up to you."

Fellatio put a hand up; "Who **were** those riders?"

Stripper shivered, "They are the **Nazigâng**! They were once great Disco champions of Germany until the Dance Lord convinced them he was the reincarnation of Hitler and told them that the Ring would give him the power to out-boogie the Jewish tap-dancing revivalists. They became the **Nein** Servants of Savlon."

"Shiiit." Said the Nibblets together.

Then they all went to bed, and I dare not mention what they all got up to that night.


End file.
